What if Jesus is like Grandpa Russell?
A year and change after walking away from the only religion I’ve ever known, I sat down to play the piano, today. Somehow my desire to sit and play has waned with all of the changes, mainly because I used to play a lot of the hymns. Maybe because my song feels uncertain in some way. My fingers finally found their way to a song that has ALWAYS reminded me of my Grandpa Russell. He always loved hearing me play and would just sit and listen without any interruption or pressure. He was a man of few words but would always nod his head, share a small smile and give me a squeeze around the shoulders. It was all I ever needed to feel his love.
I have found it hard to explain or even understand exactly how I feel about God and Jesus now. Since 2020 I feel like my spiritual life, or how I have served God rather, has felt like the little dice inside of a magic 8 ball that has been thrown around like a tennis ball at Wimbledon. Maybe that is too many metaphors mixed together but you get the idea. Dizzying may be a single word to use.
In June of 2023 I took a stand, changed my normal and began a new journey of trying to figure out what the fuck to do now. Pardon my French but that really is how it has felt. The feeling of jumping off of a ‘secure’ diving board into the abyss of the unknown is beyond an insane feeling. Not knowing if you’ll land in the deep end or on your feet or maybe just fall forever is a wild thing to attempt.
You may be wondering how I could ever do that. The answer is simple. God. When God puts something right in front of you, and you realize it isn’t even a choice to make because there is no other option, you just do it. You jump. You squeeze your eyes shut, swear in your head (or maybe even out loud) and complicatedly jump. My ‘sister’ had a similar experience and said that she had a dream where she was standing on a scaffolding made of wood that was really high. As it was splintering apart, ground shaking violently, she was yelling to God and telling him she was scared to fall. His reply was “Oh but you won’t, you’ll fly.” As humans, flying doesn’t even pop in our heads because it isn’t something we are capable of. Neither is surviving this—and yet here we are, flying!
Before I left, I was talking to my therapist and trying to explain how I was feeling. The best example I could think of was that I was in a boat. There were sharks circling around us, and as I was trying to bail water, my fellow passengers were using large guns to blow more holes in our own boat. She sat there quietly for a bit and then said, “Well, it sounds like you need a new boat.” “Yes! But where is the new boat?! I’ll bail. I’ll jump ship. I just don’t know where or what the new boat even is!!!!” Little did I realize that the sharks weren’t real, and Jesus was just asking me to step out and take his hand. I didn’t even need a new boat. He IS the boat! But Becky of early 2023 hadn’t quite figured that out yet.
Fast forward to present day, and I’ve had a year of peace. A year of learning who God actually made me to be and figuring out what that life looks like. A year of changes in friendships and in some cases even family relationships based on who God drew closer and who God allowed to exit stage left. There have been lots of surprises, some good and some sad. Ups and downs in our marriage as we both figure out who we are now. Challenges we didn’t see coming and some we knew would be hurdles to handle. But nonetheless, there has been this overwhelming peace.
I remember hearing that if you stop serving God (this one certain way) then the Devil wins, and you’ll have a false peace because your soul is no longer fighting to survive. Fighting to win. Well, I’m here to tell you that that is complete bullshit. French again. Sorry not sorry. It’s the truth. Peace comes when you realize that this entire battle isn’t even ours to fight. It’s Jesus’ battle, and he already won. The war is over! We can have peace because we know that his sacrifice is bigger than any sin we could commit as mere mortals. His Grace is sufficient. I have zero doubt in where my soul will spend eternity, which in turn brings ACTUAL PEACE!
Okay, so who is Jesus now? I’ve relearned a lot about him, and yet in some ways he still feels hard to really understand and see. That may seem confusing and that’s exactly how it feels some days. I have trust in his life and sacrifice and love for me, and yet I sometimes wonder if I’ve ever really known him, personally. Have I ever really let him know me?
We’ve probably all seen the videos of a dog running across a field towards you and has a caption like: When you get to heaven and someone says, “I’ve been waiting for you!” Being a dog lover, I sometimes tear up just imagining that feeling. Inevitably, I always think of Grandpa Russell next. I think of what it would be like to hug him again. To hear his soft chuckle that was my favorite sound growing up. To have him look over at me with that little smile and give me that nod of approval on my life. To feel that unconditional love again face to face.
What if that’s who Jesus is? What if it’s like seeing someone you have been loved by in the best way? Someone who knows you’ll mess up but their love won’t change, no matter what. Someone who may not have a lot of words, but a simple look tells you all you need to know? That gives the best hugs? Someone who is a safe place for you.
I realized that I’ve already experienced Jesus through my relationship with my Grandpa. I’ve experienced him in lots of ways. In how much my loyal dog, Rudder, loves me. In the way I would die for my children or in the forgiveness you can give and receive in a marriage. I’ve experienced Jesus in the stillness of a sunset and the raging of a river. I’ve felt his love in this life, I just didn’t always stop to realize that that’s what it was.
The joy that simple things can bring to a life is the same joy Jesus has felt. Holding a precious baby and smelling their yumminess. Snuggling my golden retriever who is the best weighted blanket on the planet. Listening to the rain. It doesn’t take much to make this life joyful. A good meal. Bacon. Although Jesus probably never ate bacon and I still think that is a travesty. I mean, come on!
I’ve also experienced his anger. The rage I experience when I hear of innocence stolen or children being hurt. That’s how Jesus feels. Knowing that there has been such intense suffering at the hands of monsters is something I can never comprehend or accept. It’s evil and I will never side with evil. Neither would Jesus.
As I sit here writing this, I’m realizing I know a lot about Jesus. I know he loves every soul more than I could. I know he is rooting for everyone to get to experience God in his fullness. I know that I am saved and have peace beyond understanding. What more could I ever need?
No matter where you are in your life, I hope you get to experience “Grandpa Russell.” I hope you get to feel unconditional love, true peace, joy and even anger. To know there is someone with a smile, gentle hug and wonderful chuckle who delights in being with you. Someone waiting for you on the other side.
The best is yet to come
Becky (Harlan) Topinka
Wasilla, Alaska
August 27, 2024