To every preacher, leader, family member, or well-meaning friend who has ever pressured a hurting person to “just forgive and move on”… Let’s talk.
Because what you’re calling forgiveness… is not forgiveness. It’s not biblical, it’s not Christlike, and it’s not healing. Most of all, I want you to know that what you’re doing isn’t harmless.
Somewhere along the way, some Church Folk stopped teaching the full counsel of God. We started preaching forgiveness like it was a party trick. Like it was proof of someone’s spiritual maturity to reconcile with their abuser before the bruises even faded away. We started acting like the absence of boundaries is the evidence of grace.
But that’s not grace, it’s grooming.
For too long, some Church Folk have told the hurting that if they really forgave, they’d let the person back in. Sit at the same table, speak kindly, and forget about rebuilding trust. We imply that anything less was bitterness. For too long, some Church Folk have taken Scriptures meant to heal the brokenhearted and used them to shield the offender. For too long, some Church Folk have protected the image of the one who did the damage and left the one who was damaged to clean up the mess. For too long, some Church Folk have shown up to the courtroom and sat on the side of the offender, writing letters to the judge pleading with them to lower the sentence because… forgiveness… while we “send thoughts and prayers” to the victims.
This is not the gospel.
Let’s be clear: Forgiveness is a command, but reconciliation between victims and abusers is not. Forgiveness is between a person and God. Reconciliation is between two people, and requires repentance, accountability, time, and change. You can’t staple those things together and call it discipleship. Jesus never once told a wounded person to go put themselves back in harm’s way to prove their holiness. He called sinners to repentance.
God never called victims to be doormats. So why do some Church Folk do that?
Why do Folks ask the abused to protect their abuser’s reputation? Why do Folks tell victims to go hug the person who stole their innocence? Why do Folks call single moms “bitter” for keeping their kids away from someone violent? Why do Folks quote Jesus while defending the people He would’ve flipped tables over?
Some Church Folk have confused the ministry of reconciliation with the idol of image preservation.
God is not pleased.
Some Church Folk have made the hurting feel guilty for setting boundaries that are actually healthy. They’ve misused Scripture to demand access where trust has not been earned. They’ve tried to disguise spiritual laziness as spiritual leadership. It is easier to pressure a victim into forgiveness than it is to walk with an offender through repentance. But easier is not faithful. Easier is not righteous. Easier is not holy. Easier is not better.
This warped view has taught a generation to be silent when they should have spoken up. To be polite when they should have walked away. To be accommodating when they should have been protected.
In doing so, some Church Folk have sent the message that God cares more about peace than He does about justice. But Scripture says otherwise.
God is near to the brokenhearted.
He defends the widow and the orphan.
He lifts up those who are crushed in spirit.
He exposes the secrets of the heart.
He disciplines those He loves.
He tears down the proud and raises up the humble.
God doesn’t call His children to be peace-keepers, but He calls us to be peace-makers. Peace-making means we allow people time and space for people to process, heal, and recover. Peace-making doesn’t mean we force people to pretend they’re okay when they’re not.
So hear this in love: Stop asking people to pretend in the name of peace. Stop demanding access where you’ve done nothing to rebuild trust. Stop preaching a version of forgiveness that leaves victims bleeding in the pews while abusers serve on platforms. Stop covering up sin.
Forgiveness is powerful. Personal. Holy. Redemptive. But it is not performative. Forgiveness is a decision to release resentment. It is not a command to re-enter a relationship.
So, if your theology pressures the hurting, shelters the abusive, and enables the unrepentant… you are not preaching Jesus. You are preaching control.
Some Church Folk, God is calling you to repent. Not just for what you did, but for what you allowed. For what you defended, or for what you refused to confront. And for some of you… for the silence that screamed complicity.
There’s still time to get this right. There’s still time to open your Bible, humble your heart, and stop using forgiveness as a leash to keep people bound.
God’s forgiveness sets people free.
Yours should too.
Sincerely,
A Voice For the Victims
By Rev. Anthony Miller
Servant, Pastor, Coach
Author of Saved But Stuck (https://www.millermosaic.org/stuck)
Permission granted to share provided credit line as shown above is included.