Hello Dear Reader,
The following is lengthy and is a good chunk of my 44 years of life if I consider myself indoctrinated at birth 🙂
My way of cutting ties with items where we have found ourselves deceived in some way and decide to part ways has been easier I feel than many. I’m guessing that many of us do what I did and just say “well, that’s it then” and move on as after all, dwelling in the land of Past doesn’t tend to yield fruit in future.
Over the past few weeks I’ve noticed a change in myself and the desire to spend time alone with thoughts regarding the things of God and have been at loss for how to put it into words. After a particularly fruitful discussion with Ben Eichmann one delightful afternoon, he encouraged me to write something. As you read this please take your time to digest it as it is the culmination of days of typing and decades of anxiety & distress – so here goes nothing:
Separation:
There has been a need to separate myself from what I knew, where I’ve been and where I’m going. I can no longer think like I used to think, or talk like I used to talk. “Help me Lord, for I am weak and useless”.
My thoughts now align with “Thank you Lord for Help in all its forms and for Love given so freely, the gift of Grace and for others who have been led closer through their struggles who have come to know that true love casts out fear”.
It’s an interesting transformation and will need to break it down into parts. Never the less, Honesty is and has always been my preferred way forward as the load is much lighter to bear and quite frankly, I really enjoy peaceful sleep although I might be deaf as a post; the mind is a powerful thing when the heart is not at peace.
Understanding:
There has been a period where I no longer knew what to do with the drawer of different Bibles and concordances that have been built up over the years where I thought if I read enough, prayed enough, did enough I would find answers and the end desire fulfilled: Peace and Joy that others had, that I did not.
It was nice to finally unload it all into a different cupboard and use the drawer for clothes as it was intended. All my fancy NIV’s and Amplified Bibles haven’t turned out to be the help I originally looked to them for as I looked for understanding to what was the contradictions and confusion within my mind.
I didn’t understand how everyone seemed like they loved to “Sit at the feet of the master and hear His word”, Then promptly get back to socialising the moment the meeting finished. I had grown to love criticism, of others yes, but mostly of myself. Was I in a family, a church or a social group with lots of bible written but unspoken rules and the name of “Gods Own People” to keep me humble and in The Way?
Why did I have this disease that caused me such anxiety, this pitiful self inflicted nonsense? I was convinced that I must have a screw loose.
“The devil is subtly whispering, but the Lord is in control, Give yourself to Jesus”. Sure, I was profoundly deaf and forever hearing incorrectly, but underneath it all there was a psychology. “I need to Look to God for strength, fight my battles on my knees, put on the armour of God every day, Fight, Fight, Fight, Read more, Pray more, Do More, know more”.
What was I fighting? My human nature? My thoughts? My misunderstanding? When would I get more? When God decides in His time? Well, I must “deny self and wait in the place of prayer”.
The truth is that I didn’t need to find understanding or do some “great overcoming”, but to understand that He loved me already. The Fight: “it is finished”. The Lord had already done it!
Too simple, right? Jesus didn’t die horribly so an unworthy loser like me could walk straight into His house and eat from His table! Well He did and the door is open, no membership required! “The first shall be last and the last shall be first”.
In my mind I was dead last, I’ll take the scraps, the lowest place, if He would only accept me! I’ll sit in the front seat at every meeting, listening closer; He will undoubtedly reward me with understanding if I would just stay the course!
He had accepted me, but myself I denied acceptance.
I did not allow myself to be loved; I asked for it like it was something I had to earn, to win. “Hold fast! Let no man take your prize”.
“It’s mine, the Precious!” I thought as I held on to the GIFT like Gollum with the one ring.
Phew! Well done for making it this far!
Being alone with God:
So, if it was not revealed to me in meetings, what can I find by just talking with God? Just spending time alone with my Father?
Over the course of my life, I have heard and read the below many times from my own Dad.
“Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God, and keep his commandments: for this is the whole duty of man.”
It appears to me that it doesn’t matter how much or how little we know or think we know or don’t know, all that matters is that God loves us and we should in return love Him and keep His Commandments. God loved us regardless of our sin. Once I finally saw that love, I could see there was no one standing gatekeeping the door, no worker approving tickets and allocating seats in meetings to “take part” in the Lords Family. I could walk straight in and ….Take my place at the feet of the master that He GIFTED.
“And lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the age”.
Quietness:
“And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
I have given much thought to “Alone with God”. I’ve read of those who spend time just in nature, those who spend time in their gardens in the creation of the Lord.
We can find quietness in places full of noise; I do it frequently on my motorbike going to work just thinking about the peace that surpasses all understanding and love so abounding, Grace so undeserving. What an amazing thing to have, having done NOTHING that made me worthy of it, but GIFTED out of GRACE.
Change:
There must be change.
In my thoughts, in my heart, in my actions, in my decisions, in my words. As Leonie Callaway said to me prior, if we Love Him, we change our behaviour. Stop fighting; start having a change of heart!
Gratefulness:
Am I grateful? Do I have an appreciation for the things I have been blessed with? Am I reminding myself that sacrifices have been made, sins atoned for, the price paid, the GIFT given?
Do I appreciate those who have talked to, inspired, fed and reached out to me thru the Love of God in their hearts?
Am I able to do the same to those who have battles of their own and be there for them to show them the GIFT I have received?
There is so much every day that is in our reach that we can be grateful for, both natural and spiritual. Having that gratitude is central to feeling love that we have been provided for as the Ravens are fed and the Lilies of the field clothed? The Lord is with us! In times of dire distress, does it mean the Lord has abandoned us? I don’t believe so, and to suggest it seems foolish. It is not our right since ALL belongs to God. All is GIFTED.
Empathy:
“He who is without sin, cast the first stone”.
Some can push a knife in and gossip that if someone just did the right thing, they wouldn’t be in a particular situation? Should I hold bitterness in the depths of my heart for someone, something done many years ago, sniping and keeping them at arms length? Can I learn to forgive my own self for sins committed against myself for things I said I would never do?
“The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other people—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector”.
That was me, Once I said I would never do something so stupid as someone else had done, and I prayed “so Help me God!”. And behold, that very night I was tested and found guilty. I still marvel about it decades later at my weakness and stupidity.
What would Jesus do? Would he say ““Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more.”
I love this and oh to have the same empathy and sincerity in my own daily thoughts for others.
What makes a man both say he is a follower till death and minutes later denied Him thrice, before he swore at them for it, “Man, I do not know what you are talking about.”
Did he not weep afterwards?
I hope you enjoyed the conclusion of my thoughts on a small but critical part of a larger picture, of which there are a great many more words. For without many of you who have suffered and had the courage to speak up I would not be here today in appreciation of GODS GIFT in ALL things but asleep in the bottom of the ship like Jonah then cast onto land to claim the prize of my vain, useless efforts.
In NZ, we have a delightful chocolate mellow puff biscuit where the advertisement catch phrase sings: “Have you done enough for a Mellow Puff?”, implying that the man who has slaved for hours at the lawn mower was now worthy of the prize and meanwhile its available right off the shelf for a few bucks, very little work needed.
Jesus is available, His Love and Light is abundant, Earning it is an illusion, Acceptance is the Key. Praise God! The door is now open!
“Come all ye who are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls”.
I pray that all would see the simple everlasting Gift of Salvation given by Grace, and keep it right in the core of our hearts. It’s a real game changer.
Chris Secker
Brisbane, QLD, Australia
August 2025