Unconditional love versus conditional love.
At the beginning of the week, I emailed my heartfelt concerns to the South African work staff. I immediately had a lovely response from one sister worker, but as the week has gone by, the silence from the entire rest of the workstaff has spoken volumes. I will share my letter here, and I welcome you to share it with whoever you feel might need to hear it.
I am feeling heartsore today, and I am moved to reach out to all of you on the South African staff of workers. I feel God has laid it on my heart to do so, and I cannot in all good conscience NOT express my concerns to you.
Many of you know me, even though I have lived in Canada longer than in South Africa now. I grew up in South Africa in a home where the workers were held in high regard. First and foremost, my parents raised us to have the utmost love and respect for God, our ultimate and highest authority. I’m thankful for that, their foundation was and remains: on Jesus.
My Dad was an Elder in The Fellowship for many years and, as I said, he taught us to have respect for the workers. My parents had an “open home” during all our years at home, and continued to do so after we left home, hosting meetings and even Gospel meetings in their home.
As you all know, my parents, along with many others the world over in this Fellowship of ours, felt convicted to stop attending meetings due to the crisis of abuse that has been exposed.
This was not a decision that was easy for them or one that was made lightly.
My parents (as well as these others who have left this fellowship) live their faith, upholding the truth of God, the fruits of the spirit are undeniably present in their lives. Meeting attendance does not affect their relationship with God or their connection with Him.
They continue to serve God, they continue to feel love for current and former workers and members of this community that they have been a part of for their whole lives, their parents before them.
Over the past months, I have repeatedly seen individuals and families being cut off and shunned by a group of people who continue to sing about “love being the kingdom’s banner.” It’s shocking and grievous to witness how quickly and completely many who still attend meetings, will turn their backs on those who no longer do. Where is the love? Whether people attend meetings or not, they will remain part of this community for the rest of their lives – they don’t suddenly stop caring about folks who have been a part of their lives. It shatters me to see the disbelief and pain in people’s eyes when they describe this to me—this is contrary to the teaching of Jesus who was loving and inclusive to everyone.
I would ask you to consider this carefully: How loving are we, in this Fellowship? Even toward those in our own community (let alone those out of it)?
Have we reached out to the people who have stopped attending meetings? Have we responded to them when they have reached out to us? I can tell you: I have had a glimpse into the hurt that is felt by those who have been treated as though they don’t even exist anymore, whose attempts to connect are outright ignored, and worse – where they have been spoken of as “lost out”. Who are we to judge another’s connection with God?
The people who are leaving are not walking away from God and cannot be chalked up to the “apostasy of the end times” or “the great falling away” – these are people who are distressed as a direct result of the mishandling of abuse within the community they had believed to be safe.
How do we respond when we encounter the negative narrative attached to those who have been moved to stop attending meetings?
These beautiful and loving souls who have been broken by all that has come to light? Those of you who met with my parents when they had to make the decision to leave, you know how broken they were, you saw it.
I speak on behalf of my parents, on behalf of the beautiful souls in our meeting here on the island who have stopped attending, on behalf of the friends and workers who have left the ministry and the fellowship on a global scale, completely shaken and depleted, shell-shocked by what they have witnessed and endured. Are we supporting each other through this? Are we communicating honestly with one another? Are we truly listening to each other?
Ironically, many of those who are being given the cold shoulder are being accused of being judgmental themselves, because they’re speaking up on behalf of CSA and SA survivors within this Fellowship and requesting safeguards. Inexplicably, this is being classed as “an attack on the ministry.” Effective safeguards would include revoking the attendance privileges of abusers and this has precisely diddly squat to do with being judgmental, it’s to do with being responsible.
We aren’t talking about sin here – yes, we’re all sinners – we’re talking about sex crimes against children. When a perpetrator sexually abuses a child, it’s an indication of a dangerous addiction that cannot be ignored, or else it’ll just keep happening.
We have come to understand that, when a child is sexually abused, the damage is profound and lifelong.
For the sake of the vulnerable, as well as for the sake of the perpetrators, abuse needs to be dealt with appropriately. It has nothing whatsoever to do with unforgiveness, we have a responsibility to keep the vulnerable safe and also to show mercy to the perpetrators by protecting them from doing something that God hates.
Today a dragonfly flew into my house, and I wanted to catch him and release him safely outdoors, but before I could rescue him from being trapped, I had to put my cat downstairs in the basement. That’s because his instinct is to hunt that dragonfly – so I had to remove him. It was a clear picture to me of the situation we’re in. It’s a little analogy of the danger of being in the presence of one who preys on another except, in our case, we’re talking about humans preying on other humans which is far more dangerous because they’re going against the normal human instinct to protect the children and vulnerable.
We tend to measure other humans against a normal human instinct but humans preying on vulnerable humans indicates a diseased instinct. We need to learn how to separate the behaviour from the person even though we feel that we know them and can trust them – those who abuse children are typically charming and are highly skilled at gaining the trust of everyone around them.
Just because someone is an eloquent speaker or a good listener, someone who knows their bible or a reliable friend – doesn’t make them a safe person for children to be around if they have the urge to abuse them! Five things can be true at the same time – the moment you introduce child abuse into the equation, they cease to be safe.
How have we arrived at this point – where we are shunning and badmouthing those who are speaking up for the wounded? It brings to mind Galatians 5:15. I hope we have the honesty to recognise our self-righteous judgemental behaviour and the grace to be ashamed of it. I’m feeling grieved to my core over these glaring disparities between how Jesus lived, and what we’re seeing lived out in a Fellowship that is referred to as a family.
My husband and I have a meeting in our home here on Vancouver Island, we’ve had some of you in our own home over the years, we’ve seen you at convention when we come home and we’ve been excited to see you when you visit here on convention rounds. I will always feel a very real connection with you all, but I feel as though my heart has been broken by all that has come to light over these past months.
I feel sad for all of us. I feel a visceral sorrow for you who are still in the Work,
I’m sure you felt moved to give your lives into the Harvest Field and I hope this still brings you joy. I also hope you consider carefully the points I bring up in this email.
In all sincerity, I ask:
⦁ Have we actually become comfortable with feeling and demonstrating love that is conditional upon meeting attendance?
⦁ Have we become comfortable with placing sanctions on survivors of abuse and those who speak up on their behalf? (including those in the ministry.)
⦁ Have we become comfortable with hiding the truth about abuse that has taken place?
⦁ Have we become comfortable with putting the children, and the vulnerable in this fellowship at risk of abuse?
If you can honestly answer no, I’m thankful to know you. I am very glad to have connected with some of you who are brave enough to stand up for what’s right in God’s sight. What has become acceptable in the sight of man is not what we should be striving for, when we serve God.
In what reality could we be deceived into thinking that God would ever consider the sexual violation of His precious little ones to be acceptable – for ANY reason?
God’s love is unconditional, inclusive, without boundaries, without limit, and without restriction – it has the power to cast out fear and it certainly doesn’t operate in darkness. It expels darkness. We are encouraged in His Word to walk in the light and to uphold the truth.
We are taught by the son of God that the greatest commandments are to love – God and our neighbour – and we are told who our neighbour is in the parable of the good Samaritan. Jesus made it clear in this parable, that we need to get involved when we see those who are wounded. We don’t read of the good Samaritan seeing the wounded man and going home to pray about him, and then sing in meeting the next day about wanting to feel his pain – we read about him crossing the road, rolling up his sleeves and doing absolutely everything he could to help him.
I’m so thankful that, despite my unworthiness, I have a heavenly father who loves me unconditionally. God IS light, and God IS love, and we have the privilege of choosing to channel that love through our own lives and shine His light in the darkness.
For my own part, I want to take a good look at my heart and life and see if I am in line with how Christ lived.
I will have no peace in my heart if I choose to look away from those in pain. I hope to hear from at least some of you. Please know that I do send this with love, and I have appreciated those of you who have kept in touch,
Rhona (Dowling) Reid
Daughter of Henry and Shirley Dowling
Campbell River, Canada
October 5, 2024
Read Rhona’s Exit Letter