Mental Health by Lisa Gray -

Lisa Gray is a Marriage and Family Therapist with background in the Two by Two Church.

1. Your Bill of Rights
2. What even IS spiritual abuse?
3. What is the Best Way to Heal from Spiritual Abuse?
4. Learning Discernment
5. What is consent and how do you give it (or not)?
6. Taking Care of your Mental Health as a Male Survivor of Child Sexual Abuse (CSA)
7. What does it mean to be “Joyful People”?

1. Your Bill of Rights
I don’t know your story – you may be a Child Sexual Abuse (CSA) survivor, a “retired” worker, or just a concerned friend. Whoever you are, though, you may be starting to realize that you might have learned things, implicitly or explicitly, that no longer hold true. As a mental health professional, I want you to know that you have certain rights you may not know you have.

You have the right to tell your story.

I know that whenever someone has left the meeting fellowship, we were often told they were “bitter”. That’s just not true. You aren’t bitter if you tell the truth about your experience. No one can dictate whether or not you can speak out. Your story is your story and no one else’s.

You have the right to be believed.

That’s not to say everyone will believe you, and it’s important to understand the reality of that. You still have the right to be believed and to decide what kind of relationship you want to have with those who don’t believe you or question your experience.

You have the right to feel whatever emotions you feel.

Some of us were told that anger was bad (especially with God); or that we should “have joy” or myriad other myths. No emotions are wrong. Whatever you feel, that is your birthright. You don’t have to justify your anger, sadness, anxiety or any other emotion to anyone.

You have the right to do whatever you want to do now.

Some of you may decide to stay in the fellowship meetings, and that’s okay; that doesn’t automatically suggest that you are condoning any bad behavior. Some of you may decide to leave, and that’s OK too. The point is, we have often been told what we “should” do, and that’s not a thing. You can do whatever feels right to you.

You have the right to question and discern.

This is something many of us really struggle with, because we were given little experience with questioning in the fellowship meetings. But in healthy relationships and groups, questions are welcome. You don’t have to agree with the ministry, the theology or anything else. You can ask questions and come to your own conclusions.

You have the right to heal.

In California, where I live, you can get free therapy from Victims of Crime (www.victims.ca.gov) and many other states may have similar programs. Many therapists take insurance or will offer a sliding scale. Bridges & Balm is here to assist with therapy or worker transition funding. You are not what happened to you.

2. What even IS spiritual abuse?

In No. 1, “Your Bill of Rights,” I wrote that you have the right to heal. And in my second post on healing from spiritual abuse, I offered some strategies for healing from spiritual abuse. But heal from what, exactly? Since the ongoing discussion over the past couple of years has been about the exposure of child sexual abuse (CSA), it may be self-evident now that if you were sexually abused by anyone, including someone in the meeting fellowship, that constitutes abuse that deserves to be dealt with and healed. But there are many of us, myself included, that were not sexually abused and yet still feel like we need healing from…something.

That something is spiritual abuse and/or religious trauma. Thankfully, this topic has attracted attention even in the larger culture, so it’s easier now to find information about what it is and what to do about it. Spiritual abuse is the misuse of religious power to control or manipulate someone, while religious trauma is the ongoing negative impact of such abuse or other harmful experiences within a religious context on a person’s well-being. Another quote I love is that spiritual abuse is “someone handing you an inner critic and telling you it’s the voice of God”. Both spiritual abuse and religious trauma are often emotional in nature, and emotional abuse is intrinsically more difficult to identify than physical or sexual abuse—but can be just as insidious.

Here are some examples of spiritual abuse:

Being told you should profess “tonight” or you might get into an accident and die on the way home (yes, this is why I professed)
Being told that the workers are the ultimate spiritual authority and your reasonable questions are blasphemy or disobedience
Having the workers come to your house specifically to tell you that you need to change something you are doing wrong (drinking wine, cutting your bangs, etc), leaving no room for personal conviction
Being told the world is wrong, a scary place, not to be trusted, something to set yourself apart from, confusing isolation with sanctification
Being told the workers are infallible
Having your choices of dress, work, leisure activity and so on dictated as “God’s will”, without any room for personal connection to the Holy Spirit
Being told adherence to these things is tied to acceptance or salvation rather than allowing the working out of our own salvation
Here are some examples of religious trauma:
Experiencing anxiety, depression, shame, guilt and difficulty trusting other people that is directly related to messages you received in the group.
Having a struggle of identity and not knowing “who you are” or how you can even discover that without the guidance of the group
Feeling afraid in the world or suspicious of other people and their motives
Being constantly anxious about going to hell
Not having a sense of intuition or certainty; inability to make decisions
Having an averse reaction to wearing a skirt, growing your hair, etc; or alternatively having an averse reaction to wearing common clothing/jewelry or going and doing common activities that used to be labeled “wrong”.
Feeling terrible or anxious when you stay home on Sunday morning or attend a “false” church

These are just some of the signs of spiritual abuse and religious trauma, and there are many, many more. You may have thought that this is just “how it is” for you or that everyone feels this way. If you have experienced any aspect of the coercive control and manipulation of spiritual abuse, you do not have to live with the fallout of religious trauma. There are many qualified therapists and helping professionals that can mitigate the damage that you have suffered. Reach out to Pathways to Healing Network (PH2N) at support@pathways2healing.org or call / text +1 (559) 802-7854 to begin or continue your journey to recovery. Or use the resources listed in my previous post on healing.

3. What is the Best Way to Heal from Spiritual Abuse?

Perhaps you are a victim of CSA or have recently left the work. Or perhaps, like me, nothing particularly bad ever happened to you growing up in the meetings, but you are still hurt from misinformation and being highly controlled. Some of you may have had someone suggest going to counseling, but many of us were told that counseling was bad, scary, or that a counselor might try to talk us out of our faith.

According to therapist codes of ethics, particularly the American Counseling Association (ACA) code, therapists must respect a client’s religious beliefs, avoid imposing their own personal religious views, and create a space where clients can openly discuss their spirituality without feeling pressured to conform to the therapist’s beliefs. Does this mean that every therapist will respect your experience? Probably not. But any good therapist will do this.

Research consistently shows that the “fit” between therapist and client is the most important factor in healing, so no matter what kind of therapy you choose, liking your therapist is the most crucial piece. Also, therapy can be expensive, but there are options. Most therapists will offer a sliding scale if you ask. Pre-licensed therapists (you have to get 3,000 hours in most states before you can be licensed!) are a great and less expensive option – remember it’s not experience but rapport that counts.

Here are some types of therapy to consider and why you might choose them:

Traditional Talk Therapy: You may find relief just talking openly about your experiences, doubts and fears with someone who offers unconditional positive regard.
EMDR/Brainspotting: If talking is nice but you still get triggered or have visceral body responses to things, sometimes trauma therapy in the form of EMDR or Brainspotting can be very helpful. Learn more at www.emdr.org or www.brainspotting.com
Expressive Arts Therapy: If you are a creative type and you think that making art, dancing, music or creative writing might help you, get more information at www.ieata.org.
Internal Family Systems: IFS is a very popular modality right now and is helpful for trauma survivors. IFS identifies all the different parts of you and explores how each part is impacting your thoughts, emotions, actions and physical sensations. More info at www.ifs-institute.com
Somatic Experiencing: If you are someone who feels like your trauma lives in your body and you experience physical symptoms of your past experiences, Somatic Experiencing can be helpful as a body-focused trauma therapy. More info at www.traumahealing.org
Eco-therapy: Many people feel close to God in nature, and being in nature in a therapeutic way can help heal spiritual issues. Check out the directory at www.ecopsychology.org

Lastly, your healing is your own. Don’t let anyone tell you that you have to, or even should, do any particular thing to heal. You might need to do several of these; you might not need to do any. Not only is it your right to heal, but it’s your right to heal the way that works best for you.

4. Learning Discernment

One of the things that I noticed when I left the meetings was my startling lack of discernment capabilities. This isn’t unique to meeting culture, but it is a hallmark of high-control religions or groups where developing discernment is not encouraged. Discernment requires critical thinking and asking careful questions, which are traits that are often not prized in these groups.

In the early days, I found myself unable to make even simple decisions. I had never before asked myself what I liked to wear, how I’d like to do my hair, or whether I truly enjoyed a particular kind of worship. That feeling of being untethered in the big, wide world, uncertain of what you are supposed to do, can be frightening.

So how do we rebuild discernment? I have several suggestions, but the first and most important is: learn to ask questions and distance yourself from any group that discourages curiosity. A helpful place to start is with 5 Ws and 1 H. Any time you’re trying to make a decision or evaluate information, try asking:

Who: Who benefits? Who might be harmed? Who makes the decisions? Who is impacted?
What: What other perspectives? What are other alternatives? What is the best/worst case scenario?
Where: Where would this be a problem? Where can we get more information? Where will this path lead?
When: When would this cause a problem? When has this played out in the past? When should we ask for help?
Why: Why is this a problem? Why is it relevant to me? Why are people influenced by this? Why has it always been this way?
How: How does this disrupt things? How do we know what is true? How does this benefit or harm us? How can we change it for the better?

Even reading those questions, many of us can feel a “don’t make waves” reflex. That reaction is information. It’s a sign your curiosity may have been constrained—and that it can be reclaimed.

Here are some other ideas to consider as you seek to develop discernment:

Be aware of your biases. We all have biases, and they aren’t necessarily bad as long as we recognize them. For example, many of us coming from meeting culture would find rock music in a church to be non-spiritual. But why? Is that a personal conviction, a learned association, a fear response, or something you just “knew” that got absorbed as truth? Gentle questioning helps you sort what’s yours from what was handed to you.

Be open to new ideas. There’s a lot of real comfort in old traditions, but many of us would say from our experiences that those traditions can be taken too far. New ideas aren’t necessarily threatening; they are just new! Think of them as opportunities for growth and learning.

Seek diverse input. Coming from a homogeneous group means that many of us think the same way, have similar experiences, and talk in similar ways. Critical thinking and discernment require stepping outside our comfort zone and engaging with people who are not like us. For example, you might find someone who loves rock music in church and have a genuine conversation about what that experience means to them.

Start with small decisions. If you’re having trouble making your own decisions and deciding what you want, start small. Don’t rush into major changes like a pixie cut or piercings. Start with a necklace that can be removed and see how it feels to wear it out and about. Start with non-permanent, small things with which you can practice gauging your response.

Validate and evaluate across multiple sources. Algorithms tend to feed us information that confirms our beliefs. To truly challenge yourself, explore diverse viewpoints and research that pushes your thinking in new directions. Consider all options before making a choice.

Practice self-compassion. Stepping out, making new decisions, and starting new traditions is scary. For many of us, a lifetime of being told what to do makes confidence hard to build. This process takes time. Just take one step at a time and be gentle with yourself!

5. What is consent and how do you give it (or not)?

Consent is a pretty widely discussed topic in the world today, but particularly relevant for those of us raised in spaces where no one ever got our consent for anything, let alone sexual or intimate activity. Many of those reading this were violated in physical ways without their consent, so I advise caution reading this material and taking care of your own nervous system while doing so. I’m going to be talking mostly about consent in a relational/sexual sense, but I do think this applies to all kinds of consent, including things like forcing us to go to meetings when we didn’t want to; being made to believe in doctrine we didn’t agree with; having to wear or not wear things that were not our choice, or even having conversations now about our beliefs when they differ from others.

Consent is defined by Merriam-Webster as 1. (verb) To give assent or approval; agree, or 2. (noun) Agreement as to an action or opinion. This makes things interesting in that consent is not only something you can give but also something that you can receive. Consent is a two-way street. It’s not only important that each person consents to the action, conversation or opinion, but also that each person receives consent from the other.

A main point of consent is that it must be understood as a clear and verbal “yes”. It’s not enough for there to just be the absence of a “no”. You must be given a verbal yes before proceeding with the action. But there are also some other factors to consider:

Even the “yes” may not be valid if the person is under, or feels that they are under coercion. The person consenting must be consenting on their own accord. This can be hard to discern, especially in situations where we were coerced in many things from such a young age we may not have even identified it as such.
A person must be of sound mind in order to give a “yes”. If someone is unconscious, has taken part of any substances or is unable to make clear decisions in any way, they can’t give a “yes”.
Age and development also affect consent. In most states, the “age of consent” is 17 or 18, and you legally cannot give consent for sexual behavior below that age. But there are also other factors, like elderly folks, people with developmental disability and so on.
Everyone involved must have a mutual understanding of what is being consented to. In many cases, especially those with a power differential, the person being asked for consent is not given a full explanation of what is about to occur and what the consequences of those actions might be. You can’t give consent to something if you don’t know what it is.
Consent is reversible. Just because you have a consent understanding does not mean that is carte blanche for anything that comes after. Consent must be obtained at the beginning, during and after the event. Basically, consent is a continuous conversation. Just because you may have said “yes” at a certain time does not mean that you can’t change your mind! You can say “no” at any time and that reverses the consent given.

Here are some examples of ways to ask for consent:

1. Before: Do you want to __? What do you want to do? Can we talk about __?
2. During: Can I __? What do you want to do right now? Are you feeling OK about __?
3. After: How did you like __? Can we do __ again?

Keep in mind that anytime you are asking for consent, the answer might be “no”. Being disappointed by a “no” is normal. But there are some things you should be careful of if you receive a “no” from someone else.

Don’t keep asking. The person has said no and to continue to ask is coercion. Even if you pester and get a “yes”, that’s no longer consent.
Don’t try to convince them to change their mind. The other person knows their mind and knows what they are deciding.
Don’t punish a “no”. Treating someone poorly after they give a “no” is a form of pressure and coercion that may steer them towards not saying “no” in the future. It’s normal to feel disappointed, but “no’s” are as valuable as “yes’s” if your intent is to truly honor a relationship.

6. Taking Care of your Mental Health as a Male Survivor of Child Sexual Abuse (CSA)

While all victims of CSA deserve to tell their stories and be believed, there are some special considerations unique to male victims. Common myth—such as “it doesn’t happen to males,” “it’s not really abuse” (particularly with a female perpetrator and a male victim), or “men handle it better”—are simply not true.

Research indicates that globally, 5-10% of men have experienced CSA before age18, and in the United States, 1 in 6 men in the US have been victims. Sadly, men often delay reporting their abuse, sometimes by over twenty years. Women are three times more likely to disclose their abuse sooner. CSA in male is more likely to involve penetration, and can lead to more severe physiological harm. While feelings of shame and confusion are common for all survivors, male victims often face heightened stigmas, such as shame about experiencing physical arousal during the abuse, which can compound their trauma.

Important Messages for Male Survivors

If you are a man who has experienced CSA, please know that 1) you are not alone and 2) you deserve to heal and be believed. There are some specific and unique ways men are affected by CSA, and many of these behaviors are counter to the values we were taught in professing homes. It’s important to understand that if you behave in these ways, that is not a spiritual failing but a normal response to trauma:

Expressing emotions outwardly: Many men process trauma—through anger, frustration, or other external behaviors.
Engaging in risky behaviors: Substance abuse, reckless sexual behavior, or other impulsive actions can be coping mechanisms.
Confusion about sexuality: It is common for male survivors to question their sexual identity or experience shame around their sexuality, although there is no scientific evidence linking CSA to changes in sexual orientation or identity.
Mental health struggles: Anxiety, depression, or PTSD are also common.

Healing and Moving Forward

Healing doesn’t happen overnight, but with patience and support, growth is possible. Here are some steps to begin or continue your journey:

Prioritize self-care and lifestyle changes: Since externalizing behaviors are common, focus on maintaining a healthy routine—eat nutritiously, exercise regularly, and be mindful of substance and pornography use.
Reconnect with your body: Engage in activities like regular exercise, mindfulness, or simply spending time outdoors. Be compassionate with yourself—healing is a process.
Find support networks: Sharing your experiences with others can be profoundly healing. Groups like the Mankind Project (https://mankindproject.org/mens-groups/)provide safe spaces to connect with men who know what you’re going through.
Seek professional help: A qualified mental health therapist can assist with mental health challenges such as depression, PTSD, or engaging in risky behaviors. Therapy offers tools to process trauma and build resilience. For one safe place to begin, contact Pathways to Healing Network (P2HN) for assistance with finding a therapist. If you are a survivor seeking help or information, please email P2HN at: support@pathways2healing.org or call / text +1 (559) 802-7854 to begin or continue your journey to recovery.
Decide if and when to share your story: Disclosing trauma is a personal choice. Some find tremendous relief in speaking with trusted individuals or support groups, while others prefer to keep their story private—both paths are valid. For many men, not talking about it can be protective, and that’s OK.

You are not defined by what happened to you, and healing is possible. You deserve support, understanding, and the chance to reclaim your life.

7. What does it mean to be “Joyful People”?

One of the most confusing things for me growing up was constantly being told “we are a joyful people,” but then looking around and seeing no smiles on anyone’s face. And then, in testimonies, there were often thoughts shared like: “I’m unworthy” or “I’m falling short.” I’m not saying that’s all bad (if you don’t think you’ve ever fallen short, you might be a narcissist!) I’m just saying that for such a joyful people, there was a remarkable lack of demonstration of said joy.

When you’re trained heavily in this self-criticism, it’s hard to also be a joyful person. And also, the amount of trauma and abuse that some of us have suffered also gets in the way of being joyful quite a bit. So what’s the answer? Do we need to feel saved before we can have joy? Do we need to be fully healed before we can have joy? Thankfully, the answer to that is no.

I’m going to give you three steps below to try to bring a little more demonstrable joy into your life.

Awareness. In therapy, we always say “awareness is everything” because you can’t change anything you are not aware of. So the first step here is to begin to notice how often you notice the negative versus the positive. This isn’t to make you feel bad – it’s the brain’s natural state to scan our environment for what is dangerous or wrong (that’s why we’re still in the gene pool!) But becoming aware of how often your mind goes to the negative is a good place to start. We have to free up some room for noticing positive experiences and things – or at least give them the same kind of weight that we are giving the negatives.
Look for glimmers or micro-joys. It’s easy to focus on the big stuff. Most of us are going to naturally have joy on our wedding day, the day our kids are born, the day we get our dream job and so on. But those days are few and far between. Glimmers by definition are small, faint things that are often brief. Every single one of us has many glimmers and micro-joys available every single day, but we have to pause, look for them, and hold onto them. Start keeping a log, either physically or mentally, of the tiny moments every day that bring a tiny twinge of joy. So far today, I loved the smell of my coffee, the nudge of my dog wanting attention, the breeze on my morning walk, and the feel of my book in my hand.
Find awe. Recently an experiment was done where two groups of students were assigned a 20 minute walk each day. One group just walked; the other was supposed to find one thing they felt “awe” about each day. At the end of the experiment, the 2^nd group was happier and healthier on every single measure. You don’t have to be in Yosemite to find awe. You just have to pay attention and pause to take it in. On my walk this morning I noticed that a pine tree I walked by smelled like a mountain lake I love. Awesome.
Smile. No, really, smile. Smiling—even a forced smile—triggers the release of mood-boosting neurotransmitters in the brain (like dopamine and serotonin). These chemicals increase happiness and joy—even if you didn’t really mean the smile! How cool is that? I like to practice what Thict Nhat Hanh calls a “Mona Lisa smile” —just making sure there is a subtle half smile on my face as often as I can. Your kids will wonder what you’re up to, and you’ll be feeling more joyful!

I personally think the best “revenge” is a life lived well. You may have some seriously messed up experiences in your life and/or religious experience. Being truly joyful is the best redress you can find.

3. Learning Discernment

So how do we rebuild discernment? I have several suggestions, but the first and most important is: learn to ask questions and distance yourself from any group that discourages curiosity. A helpful place to start is with 5 Ws and 1 H. Any time you’re trying to make a decision or evaluate information, try asking:

Who: Who benefits? Who might be harmed? Who makes the decisions? Who is impacted?
What: What other perspectives? What are other alternatives? What is the best/worst case scenario?
Where: Where would this be a problem? Where can we get more information? Where will this path lead?
When: When would this cause a problem? When has this played out in the past? When should we ask for help?
Why: Why is this a problem? Why is it relevant to me? Why are people influenced by this? Why has it always been this way?
How: How does this disrupt things? How do we know what is true? How does this benefit or harm us? How can we change it for the better?

Here are some other ideas to consider as you seek to develop discernment: